Sarah vs The Past
by AreYouIn1
Summary: My first Chuck fanfic. It's been four months since she left Burbank and Chuck Bartowski behind. It's been three months since she began talking to Ellie on the phone regularly. Chuck/Sarah eventually. Sarah/Ellie friendship, kind of.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I think the idea of this story was better in my head. This is my first Chuck fanfic, and also my first fanfic that wasn't just a one shot, which I'm probably better at. At this point in time, I have no idea where I'm going with this. But I thought it was an interesting idea and decided to go with it. The title sucks, but I couldn't think of anything else. Hope you all enjoy. :)

**Sarah vs The Past**

It's been four months. Four months since she's relocated to Phoenix. Four months since she signed the papers for her reassignment. Four months since she left Burbank and Chuck Bartowski behind. It's been three months since she began talking to Ellie Bartowski on the phone regularly.

It started in a moment of weakness. After three weeks of living on autopilot, her emotions finally began to spill over. Without even thinking, her fingers had dialed the number for the Bartowski/Woodcomb household. She had been ready to hang up after the first ring, but the moment Ellie's voice reached her, she was frozen. She wasn't exactly sure what she had been expecting. What she hadn't been expecting was for the sob that built up in her throat to let itself loose. Somehow, Ellie had immediately known it was her. Sarah had tried hanging up quite a few times, but she somehow felt compelled to listen to Ellie every time she told her not to. At first, Ellie had been surprised, but she quickly went from surprised to worried. After worry came anger. But after nearly two hours on the phone, Ellie was trying to be calm and understand. Though she was frustrated with Sarah's usual response of 'it's complicated', she attempted to be understanding about it. Luckily, Ellie had agreed not to tell Chuck about the phone calls.

She had hung up feeling even more empty than she had before. Something continued to pull her back, though, until the phone calls became part of her weekly routine. Every time, it's the same thing. Ellie fills her in on what was new with her life, how married life is treating her, what's going on at work. Sarah fills Ellie in on what's going on with her. At least the things that she's able to talk about talk about. Luckily, it's never anything that is too unbelievable. Hell, her cover job is working at a Subway. At least Ellie probably isn't suspicious. Each phone call brings up the same conversations, but always leaves out one topic. Chuck. Even after three months, Sarah still can't bring herself to ask about him. Ellie never even tries to bring him up. She and Sarah may have become friends, but it doesn't change the fact that Sarah left without a word. For that, she's not going to be forgiven.

After three months, she's used to the routine by now, but it doesn't stop the emptiness that comes with each conversation.

The conversation starts like any other. Ellie tells Sarah about something funny that Devon did, Sarah forces a laugh before falling into a silence. It's these things, the little things that she misses so much. As strange as all the characters she met in Burbank may be, she misses being there to witness it. Ellie lets out a frustrated sigh that breaks her out of her thoughts. Before she even has a chance to think, a frustrated Ellie is yelling in her ear.

"I can't do this anymore, Sarah. What the hell happened between you and my brother? He won't tell me anything. You won't tell me anything. I can't just continue to go through these conversations trying to avoid what's obviously been on both of our minds."

All these times she's spent trying to hide her emotions seem to go to waste, as she can't stop the tears from building up. Her voice cracks as she responds. "Ellie, it's -"

"Don't tell me it's complicated. Do you understand how frustrating it is just to hear a vague "it's complicated" every time I try to find out what the hell is wrong with you two?"

She sighs. For once, she wishes everything could just be simple. That there was something that she could say to make Ellie understand. As always, she comes up short.

"I know, Ellie. I'm sorry. It's just...there's no other way to describe it. We just...disagree on some major issues."

"Like what? What could you possibly disagree on that would make you just leave like that?"

"It's..." _complicated_. "I know I'm no good for him."

"How can you say that Sarah? I never saw him happier than he was with you. God, I can't understand you two! The way the two of you looked at each other said it all. And yet you both seemed to back off anytime things started to get good. The moment you two started taking a step forward, one or both of you would take three steps back. Ever think maybe the two of you could be happy together if you would just try to let each other in? He's miserable without you. You can say you're no good for him all you want, but how could this be better? Sarah, he's heartbroken."

"Ellie...it's more complex than that."

"Complex, complicated. I've heard the same vague words over and over. Why can't anyone just give me a straight answer for once? Maybe I'm being nosy, but he's my little brother, and I'm worried about him." Her voice softens. "We've been having these phone calls for three months. I'd like to think we're friends by now. Can't you just tell me? Can't you just tell me why you disappeared? Why I can't even tell my brother that I'm talking to you? If I'm keeping a secret, I at least want to know why, Sarah."

Before she can answer, a voice that is unmistakeably Chuck's comes from the background of the other side of the phone. "Sarah?"

_Shit. _


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I'm so glad you all liked the first chapter. :) I was unsure about this story at first, and I'm still not quite sure where it's going. But since I'm getting good reviews, I'm going to continue and see where it leads. I think Ellie is an amazing character, so I'm going to try to use as much of her as I can in this story. Therefore, I'm putting this chapter in her point of view. Followed by Sarah's point of view, and finally, Chuck's. So this chapter may be a bit boring for Chuck/Sarah fans, especially since I'm not so great at getting inside Ellie's head. But it'll get more interesting. I hope. :P

Sarah vs The Past: Chapter Two

For a moment, she's reminded of the time that she was eight years old and convinced a five year old Chuck to close his eyes because she had a surprise for him. The surprise was that she had a razor in her hand. She got as far as shaving one of his eyebrows off before their mother walked in. Ellie froze, a guilty look on her face and evidence of the crime she had committed still in her hand. Back then, she thought that it was the worst trouble she could have been in. Their parents had told her that she wasn't allowed to go outside with the rest of the kids in the neighborhood until her little brother's eyebrows grew back. She can imagine that what she looks like at this moment, still holding onto the phone, wearing a look of guilt mixed with sympathy.

Unable to do anything, she stands still as her little brother snatches the phone from her hand, her heart breaking for him a little as he desperately says his ex girlfriend's name into the phone. Obviously hearing only a dial tone in response a moment later, she watches as he pulls the phone from his ear, holding it out in front of him and staring at it with an expression that clearly shows just how hurt he is.

Breaking out of the initial surprise, she puts a hand on her little brother's shoulder, wanting nothing more than to be able to comfort him. He shrugs it off automatically, as if her hand were burning him. Instead, he turns toward her, anger and betrayal shining through clearly in brown eyes. She's taken aback for a moment, not remembering a time that she's seen her younger brother so angry. Even when she shaved one of his eyebrows off, he still managed to have a bright smile on his face. Of course, the two situations were entirely different. Even still, Chuck very rarely got angry, and he never got this angry.

At first, he just looks at her, as though he doesn't even know what to say to her. She can't blame him. She's his sister, the one that was supposed to protect him, not betray him. It takes a moment for her to realize that behind the anger in his eyes, there lies a deep layer of hurt that she has caused. Tears instantly spring to her eyes.

"You've been talking to Sarah for three months and you didn't even think to tell me? You just let me...just let me walk around like a zombie, wondering what the hell I could have done wrong to make her leave and you've known all this time?"

She shakes her head, tears freely streaming down her cheeks. It's finally hitting her just how much pain she's caused her brother. Just a few months back, she had caught him sneaking Devon's key card into his backpack. The same key card that had been taken off, along with his shirt, by some stripper during the bachelor party that they had all silently agreed to never talk about again. It tore her apart to know that her little brother was covering for her fiance when he really should have been looking out for her. Now, she was realizing that she had been doing the exact same thing to him by not telling him about the conversations she was having with the girl that broke his heart just a few short months ago.

"I'm so sorry, Chuck. She asked me not to tell you and I just -"

She's quickly cut off by Chuck once more as he moves toward the door that he had just come through moments ago.

"I don't care what she asked you, Ellie. I'm your brother. You're supposed to tell me these kind of things, regardless of who you made promises too. Sarah betrayed me, Ellie. I just never thought that you would too."

With that, he was gone. It took a moment for it to sink in before she collapsed onto the couch, her elbows resting on her legs and her face in her hands. She hadn't even thought about how much this would hurt Chuck if he had found out.

She thinks back to four months ago. The moment Chuck told her that Sarah had left. He had just walked through the door, but he hadn't said a word. Being so wrapped up in dinner, she hadn't even looked back at him. Instead, she threw on her oven mits quickly and made her way to the stove to take out the chicken she had been cooking. Not even turning her head, she called out to him, asking if he and Sarah wanted to have dinner with her and Devon later on that week. Hearing no response, she had looked back to see Chuck still standing right next to the door. She had called his name questioningly, a worried tone to her voice. He had looked up at her, confusing and hurt shining through his eyes, and told her that Sarah was gone. As much as she had tried to get him to talk, he had just walked toward his room. That's the way he was for the first two weeks. He had walked around like he was in a complete haze. As if he had no idea what was going on around him. Little by little, it got better, but he was not the same Chuck. Rarely did he look people in the eye. When he smiled, it just wasn't the same anymore. He hadn't even told her what exactly happened. She still doesn't know how he found out. All she has been able to get out of him is the fact that Sarah left without a word. It was hard enough to get him to tell her that much.

How is it that she talked to the woman that broke her little brother's heart for three months without even considering what it would do to him if he found out? Now she isn't even sure if Sarah is ever even going to call back. After this, it wasn't likely. How the hell had she gone through three months without getting Sarah's phone number? She was able to get where Sarah lives, where Sarah works, but not even her phone number?

After a moment, she decides that location will have to be enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: This chapter took me a while. Writer's block hasn't been very nice to me. I'm not very pleased with it, and I'm not sure anyone else will be. But I hope you'll all stick around to read the rest. I finally have a sense of where this story is going to go. However, I'm still open for any suggestions and/or constructive criticism. :)

**Sarah vs The Past: Chapter Three**

She freezes, and she's almost positive that along with her motor functions, her heart briefly freezes as well.

In all of the secret conversations she's had with Ellie over the past three months, she's never thought about about what would happen if Chuck were to find out.

The three of them seem to be in a shocked silence, but obviously, Chuck is the first to break out of it. A moment later, his voice is in her ear, calling her name desperately. It takes a moment longer for her to break out of the initial shock. When she does, she immediately presses the 'end' key on her cell phone.

It's a moment longer before she's actually able to react again. When she is, she drops the phone. For a moment, she's incredible angered by the fact that the phone doesn't smash to pieces the moment it hits the floor.

For four months, she's been trying to heal. For four months, she's been trying to forget the sound of his voice, the way he looked at her, the way he knew her without knowing anything real about her, the way he loved her. The way he still does.

Truth be told, it hasn't been going well. And now? Now she's more likely to be able to resurrect the dead than she is to forget about anything that has to do with him.

There's a sudden pain in her chest that, if she weren't quite as strong, would be bringing her to her knees.

Suddenly, she's just so sick of it all. Having to be so strong all the time, not allowing herself to be emotionally or physically vulnerable. When she first joined the CIA, she didn't feel as if they rules had applied to her. She had no personal life, no desire to get a personal life, and she had been taught over the years to never let her guard down. Then came Bryce Larkin. While she hadn't actually allowed herself to fall in love with him, she had allowed herself to let her guard down a number of times when it came to him. Even still, it was mostly just work. Until Chuck.

The moment she met Chuck, the lines began to blur. The strong woman she had been before became the agent who compromised herself with each smile, each touch. Things had only continued to get more complex from there. Not only had he made it clear that he had feelings for her, but she had made it quite obvious a number of times that she shared those feelings. She had broken the number one spy rule, as well as her number one personal rule. Sarah Walker, Jenny Burton, Katie O'Connell, Rebecca Franco, Keri Higgins; no matter who she was known as, the same rule always applied. She did not fall in love. Until Chuck.

Naturally, she had to get away, didn't she? Not only had she put herself on the line, she had put the government's most important asset on the line. The worst of it all was that Chuck had truly thought that once everything was over, once the intersect was out of his head, they would be able to be together. The truth was, she'd be placed on a mission as far away as they could possibly get her. As much as she cared about him, she hadn't been sure that she could throw away everything she'd ever known for him. The longer she stayed, the more she would end up hurting him in the end. Even more than she already had. So, she had left. She hadn't had the heart to be able to tell him herself that she was leaving. She would surely break down. She wouldn't have been able to leave. Instead, she had ignored his phone calls, requested a reassignment, and was out before he could even notice that anything was amiss. A clean break.

She hadn't known how it would affect her. She hadn't known that everything would remind her of him. She hadn't known that he would haunt her every dream.

She takes a step back and collapses down onto the bed, her knees hanging from the side. Her head falls into her hands, tears beginning to flow freely. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Chuck was supposed to get over her. She was supposed to forget that Chuck Bartowski ever existed and move on, just like any other mission before. Obviously, nothing had gone according to plan.

She can't go back. She knows this. Sarah Walker is not cut out for a relationship. Even if she were to quit her job and go back to him right now, she would just end up being yet another person to disappoint him. She doesn't know how to have a real relationship. That's what it comes down to.

Knowing what she has to do, she lets out a sob. She allows herself this final moment of weakness.

After tonight, she is leaving Sarah Walker and all that comes with her behind.

_Goodbye, Sarah Walker. Hello, Keri Higgins._


End file.
